Best Life Tips

Avoiding Means Never Having to Say “I’m Afraid”

Ken, a serious and long-time drinker, hadn’t been feeling good for a while and his wife insisted that he go to the doctor, which, with reluctance, he finally did. Upon examination, the doctor said, “Ken, if you don’t stop drinking, you’re going to die.” Of course, this upset Ken tremendously. When he came home to his wife, he was near tears. “Oh dear, what did the doctor say?” she asked. “He said I’m going to die,” Ken wailed.

Poor Ken. He didn’t really hear what the doctor said. He was practicing one of his chronic avoidant behaviors: selective listening. He heard only what he wanted to hear and shut the rest of the message out. 

His wife, Stella, has her own set of behaviors that she uses in her attempts to keep from dealing with certain things in life. She tries to control everyone and everything. She’s the one who made the appointment for Ken in the first place.

Avoidant behaviors such as those exhibited by Ken and Stella are examples of the subtle and not-so-subtle means people adopt to side-step issues and situations. Behaviors such as these are an outer manifestation of what’s going on inside. And, for those who use such avoidances, you can bet that what’s going on inside is some kind of fear. 

We avoid because something is at risk. 

The impulse toward perfectionism, for example, says I don’t want to risk doing something if I can’t do it perfectly. “Forgetting” doctor’s appointments could mean being afraid to find out if something really is wrong.

Other types of avoidant behavior:

• Not returning phone calls
• Always being late
• Smiling or laughing it off when you’re angry  
• Projecting (putting our own stuff on other people)
• Manipulating
• Getting sick 
• Losing or misplacing things
• Over-sleeping 

Such behaviors keep us safe within the confines of our fear even though we may not realize fear motivates our responses. 

Unfortunately, these behaviors also push people away from us. While drinking, gambling, drugging are some more obvious and destructive practices that affect our whole world, these more subtle aspects affect the quality of our relationships and ultimately block any true intimacy we might have.

Often, people aren’t aware they are using avoidant behaviors – especially if, like Ken and Stella, those close to them also engage in their own ways of not dealing directly with issues. We may be made aware only when someone has the courage to question certain practices: “Seems like every time I ask you to visit my family, you get a headache.” Or through a direct confrontation: after all those months you neglected to open your mail, the IRS placed a lien against your bank account. Or maybe life becomes so painful that we are drawn to look at our own footprints — failed relationships, jobs, finances, child rearing or even our health. 

It takes courage to confront such practices — your own or those of someone you’re in relationship with. But one thing is certain about any avoidant behavior: like the IRS, it won’t go away on its own.

Look with Wonder

This Valentines Day I was thinking about the love of my life and how all too often I can be relating to a projection of my wife based on past experiences and miss out seeing her in that very moment.

The article below offers an explanation about how we can see from what Zen calls "beginners mind"

Read "A Sunset Mode of Mind"

 

Ben Stein’s 8 Lessons on Love

Ben Stein is a lawyer, writer, actor and economist.

Ben Stein, Love Expert?

Maybe! He published a New York Times article on the economics of love, and it makes a lot of sense.

Here are eight of Stein’s concepts.

1. The returns in love situations are roughly proportional to the amount of time and devotion invested. The amount of love you get from an investment in love is correlated, if only roughly, to the amount of yourself you invest in the relationship.

2. High-quality bonds consistently yield more return than junk, and so it is with high-quality love. Stay with high-quality human beings. And once you find you that are in a junk relationship, sell immediately. Junk situations can look appealing and seductive, but junk is junk.

3. Research pays off. The most appealing and seductive exterior can hide the most danger and chance of loss. For most of us, diversification in love, at least beyond a very small number, is impossible, so it’s necessary to do a lot of research on the choice you make. 

4. In every long-term romantic situation, returns are greater when there is a monopoly. If you have to share your love with others, if you have to compete even after a brief while with others, forget the whole thing.

5. The returns on your investment should at least equal the cost of the investment. If you are getting less back than you put in over a considerable period of time, back off.

6. Long-term investment pays off. The impatient day player will fare poorly without inside information or market-controlling power. To coin a phrase: Fall in love in haste, repent at leisure.

7. Realistic expectations are everything. If you have unrealistic expectations, they will rarely be met. If you think that you can go from nowhere to having someone wonderful in love with you, you are probably wrong.

8. When you have a winner, stick with your winner. Whether in love or in the stock market, winners are to be prized.

Stein’s combination of love and economics in such a simple, succinct article is inspired.

For more, please read the full article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/13/business/13every.html?em&ex=1216180800&en=313397ee5ad38176&ei=5087%0A

Orienting Your Life Around Your Values

"Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the
achievement of one's values."  - Ayn Rand

Would you like to know the secret to happiness? 

Do you want the key to living a life of joy and fulfillment? 

It's simple!  The greatest sense of happiness, joy and fulfillment
comes from living in alignment with your values.

"What do you mean by values?" you may ask.  Well, they are those
qualities that excite and energize you most in life.  They exist
within your core.  You don't really choose them.  You can't pick
them out and try them on for size.    Instead, you discover what
values already exist within you and, if you're wise, you embrace
them and let them inform your life.  They're neither positive nor
negative in and of themselves, but they turn you on and make you
feel alive.

Some people are energized by values like learning, discovery, and
mastery.  Some are most excited by creativity, designing,
inspiring, and even entertaining others.  Some personalities find
their greatest joy in spirituality, contributing, serving and
impacting lives.  Pleasure, adventure and freedom are qualities
that energize some folks, while others are happiest in activities
characterized by personal interaction, encouragement and
leadership.  All of these qualities are values.

So often we are too busy setting and pursuing goals without
knowing what we truly value in life, and therefore end up
achieving our goals and saying, "Is that all there is?" 

Personal Boundaries, Just Say No!

For some people saying no is far less comfortable than having a root canal. They’ll stay late at work without compensation, work through the night sewing costumes for a class play, volunteer at church on a day when they’ve already planned to do food shopping for an elderly parent and watch the grandchildren. They may agree to help a friend with a home improvement project that takes up many weekends or lend their car to someone who is careless, accident-prone and broke. Need some money? A ride? Someone to water the plants for a month? Just ask these “nice guys” or “great gals” who end up feeling overbooked, stressed and depleted!

Do you recognize yourself in this description?

Personal Boundaries, What Happens When We Disregard Them

Have you ever found yourself feeling resentful when someone you’ve been especially generous with doesn’t reciprocate? It happens frequently in our closest relationships—with husbands and wives, parents and children, siblings, lovers, friends. We give lavishly of our time, attention, money and talent and then are disappointed when “the investment didn’t pay off.”

When this happens, it’s a pretty sure bet that we’ve disregarded our boundaries. We’ve gone overboard and end up feeling angry, drained and sucked dry. Unconsciously, we’ve assumed that they’ll step up and match our generosity, or at least, offer heartfelt gratitude!

Cholesterol Facts

By Shane Ellison, M.Sc.
for more information

“Lower your cholesterol and prevent heart disease (atherosclerosis)!”
Medical Doctors, drug manufacturers and nutritional supplement companies make billions of dollars browbeating us to believe this statement. Despite the exuberance with which it is made, this statement is a health myth. The redundancy of this myth has handicapped health logic among some of the most respected health experts in the world.

Boundaries, What Are They?

When Robert Frost said, “Good fences make good neighbors,” he was on to something. Our ability to relate to others in a healthy way depends on our awareness of not stepping aggressively into their territory—physical and psychological—and not letting them step into ours. Boundaries are protective limits that prevent abuse and unwanted liberties. They serve well to express who we are and work best when they’re based on respect for ourselves and others.

We need both external and internal boundaries to function well with the people in our lives without resentment and with integrity. They help us, too, to be discriminating about whom we allow in. Having fences and keeping them mended makes for good relationships.

In the Classroom, a New Focus on Quieting the Mind - New York Times

Mindfulness, while common in hospitals, corporations, professional sports and even prisons, is relatively new in the education of squirming children. But a small but growing number of schools in places like Oakland and Lancaster, Pa., are slowly embracing the concept — as they did yoga five years ago — and institutions, like the psychology department at Stanford University and the Mindfulness Awareness Research Center at the University of California, Los Angeles, are trying to measure the effects.

Link: In the Classroom, a New Focus on Quieting the Mind - New York Times.

Looking for Love

In my work with single clients I often hear the perception that there aren't many singles out there. The Pew Research Center survey suggests the number of potential single romance-seekers is huge. Fully 43% of adults (87 million people) say they are single. The survey also points out that only a small percentage of these singles are actually looking for a committed relationship, more good news for those who are looking. Check out more details in the link below.

Link: Pew Research Center: Not Looking for Love.