Have you ever found yourself feeling resentful when someone you’ve been especially generous with doesn’t reciprocate? It happens frequently in our closest relationships—with husbands and wives, parents and children, siblings, lovers, friends. We give lavishly of our time, attention, money and talent and then are disappointed when “the investment didn’t pay off.”
When this happens, it’s a pretty sure bet that we’ve disregarded our boundaries. We’ve gone overboard and end up feeling angry, drained and sucked dry. Unconsciously, we’ve assumed that they’ll step up and match our generosity, or at least, offer heartfelt gratitude!
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By Shane Ellison, M.Sc.
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“Lower your cholesterol and prevent heart disease (atherosclerosis)!”
Medical Doctors, drug manufacturers and nutritional supplement companies make billions of dollars browbeating us to believe this statement. Despite the exuberance with which it is made, this statement is a health myth. The redundancy of this myth has handicapped health logic among some of the most respected health experts in the world.
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When Robert Frost said, “Good fences make good neighbors,” he was on to something. Our ability to relate to others in a healthy way depends on our awareness of not stepping aggressively into their territory—physical and psychological—and not letting them step into ours. Boundaries are protective limits that prevent abuse and unwanted liberties. They serve well to express who we are and work best when they’re based on respect for ourselves and others.
We need both external and internal boundaries to function well with the people in our lives without resentment and with integrity. They help us, too, to be discriminating about whom we allow in. Having fences and keeping them mended makes for good relationships.
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