Have you ever found yourself feeling resentful when someone you’ve been especially generous with doesn’t reciprocate? It happens frequently in our closest relationships—with husbands and wives, parents and children, siblings, lovers, friends. We give lavishly of our time, attention, money and talent and then are disappointed when “the investment didn’t pay off.”
When this happens, it’s a pretty sure bet that we’ve disregarded our boundaries. We’ve gone overboard and end up feeling angry, drained and sucked dry. Unconsciously, we’ve assumed that they’ll step up and match our generosity, or at least, offer heartfelt gratitude!
We all have mixed motives for most of our actions.
We enjoy that good feeling that comes with making someone happy.
We want their approval and affection.
We treat others the way we want to be treated.
We’re hoping they’ll get the hint and follow our example.
We want to lift up someone who is struggling.
We’re trying to rescue someone and control their behavior.
We take pleasure in satisfying a loved ones needs.
We feel guilty and afraid of hurting them if we don’t.
How do we know a boundary has been crossed?
We may have physical symptoms—queasiness, headaches, lightheadedness, a lump in our throats, trembling, etc.
We can feel ashamed that we’ve allowed ourselves to be taken in even while we feel moral superiority because we’ve been “so good.”
We can experience psychological uneasiness—feelings of resentment, anger, anxiety, confusion, feeling “eaten alive,” taken advantage of, sucked dry, used, pressured.
We can notice interactions when we’re controlling, manipulative, angry, critical and/or withdrawing.
When a boundary has been crossed and we feel resentful, our interactions with others change. We might lash out at them, pointing out their ingratitude and thoughtlessness. Or we can withdraw, choosing to keep them at arm’s length, avoiding them, not returning calls, etc. We may experience a loss of power and self-esteem. When we find ourselves behaving or feeling this way, we might look at how we’ve allowed our boundaries to be violated.
A conscious response to a boundary violation involves awareness of how we react and planning how to behave in the future with more wisdom. It doesn’t mean that we blame the other or ourselves.
It’s a tricky business knowing when and where to draw the line, especially if we have a history of never saying no. People can be perplexed or upset when we’re not our usual selves—at their beck and call. We may feel their hurt or disapproval, a diminishing of their affection, and a sense that the relationship is deteriorating. In setting a boundary we may learn some truths about ourselves, the other person and our relationship that can cause discomfort and pain.
Recognizing that a boundary has been crossed is a first step in figuring out that we DO have boundaries and then getting clear about what they are.
Comments