For some people saying no is far less comfortable than having a root canal. They’ll stay late at work without compensation, work through the night sewing costumes for a class play, volunteer at church on a day when they’ve already planned to do food shopping for an elderly parent and watch the grandchildren. They may agree to help a friend with a home improvement project that takes up many weekends or lend their car to someone who is careless, accident-prone and broke. Need some money? A ride? Someone to water the plants for a month? Just ask these “nice guys” or “great gals” who end up feeling overbooked, stressed and depleted!
Do you recognize yourself in this description?
Here are seven things to consider about how to respect your boundaries and say no:
• Postpone your answer. Give yourself time to think of prior commitments and how your “Yes” may impact you and others involved. You can say, “Let me check my calendar and see if that’s a possibility,” or “Let me talk that over with David and I’ll get back to you.”
• Respond with emotional neutrality. If anger and resentment surface at the time of the request, allow it to settle down before you give an answer.
• Honor that feeling of dread that arises by being honest. You can still be gracious without committing to something you’ll regret. Here’s where you can say, “I have too much on my plate right now and can’t add another commitment.”
• Be prepared for further honesty when the one making the request tries to talk you into it. When you say no, citing your busy-ness as the reason, they may want to set up something for next month. This is when you can admit, “I’d love to help you out, but I’m not comfortable doing that,” or, “I don’t want to get involved in this, but I wish you luck.”
• You don’t owe people long, detailed explanations. Saying no doesn’t necessitate a rebuke about why they’re bad and wrong for making the request. When a relative or friend is over-reliant on you because of your past support, they may be surprised or hurt by a negative response, but you don’t have to give your time, money or expertise just because you’ve given it before. And you don’t need to list the reasons why they’re unworthy because you’ve already done more than enough.
• You may suggest other possibilities that haven’t been considered—“Maybe you could try…” or “Have you thought about…” Someone else’s problems aren’t yours, so you can be supportive and offer guidance or direction without actually providing solutions.
• Maintain good will and good humor. You don’t have to be offended that someone is asking you to do or to give something. You can wish them well without feeling righteous or put upon. A request is just a request, not a command. You can be loving and generous and still say no.
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