Best Life Tips

Personal Boundaries, Just Say No!

For some people saying no is far less comfortable than having a root canal. They’ll stay late at work without compensation, work through the night sewing costumes for a class play, volunteer at church on a day when they’ve already planned to do food shopping for an elderly parent and watch the grandchildren. They may agree to help a friend with a home improvement project that takes up many weekends or lend their car to someone who is careless, accident-prone and broke. Need some money? A ride? Someone to water the plants for a month? Just ask these “nice guys” or “great gals” who end up feeling overbooked, stressed and depleted!

Do you recognize yourself in this description?

Personal Boundaries, What Happens When We Disregard Them

Have you ever found yourself feeling resentful when someone you’ve been especially generous with doesn’t reciprocate? It happens frequently in our closest relationships—with husbands and wives, parents and children, siblings, lovers, friends. We give lavishly of our time, attention, money and talent and then are disappointed when “the investment didn’t pay off.”

When this happens, it’s a pretty sure bet that we’ve disregarded our boundaries. We’ve gone overboard and end up feeling angry, drained and sucked dry. Unconsciously, we’ve assumed that they’ll step up and match our generosity, or at least, offer heartfelt gratitude!

Boundaries, What Are They?

When Robert Frost said, “Good fences make good neighbors,” he was on to something. Our ability to relate to others in a healthy way depends on our awareness of not stepping aggressively into their territory—physical and psychological—and not letting them step into ours. Boundaries are protective limits that prevent abuse and unwanted liberties. They serve well to express who we are and work best when they’re based on respect for ourselves and others.

We need both external and internal boundaries to function well with the people in our lives without resentment and with integrity. They help us, too, to be discriminating about whom we allow in. Having fences and keeping them mended makes for good relationships.